30 WAYS TO NEVER GET THE BODY YOU WANT (AND FEEL SH*TTY TRYING)
1. Do tons of cardio. The more the better.
2. Stay away from the weights. They’re heavy, and they’re in the guys’ section of the gym, and they make you feel like an idiot. Stay far away.
3. Eat lots of carbs. Stick to highly processed foods with words like “fortified” and “low fat” on the package.
4. Don’t get enough sleep—in fact stay up really late on your computer as often as possible.
6. Don’t schedule your workouts—just hope you have enough time available at the exact moment that inspiration strikes you.
7. Be sure to prioritize a “good deal” over good nutrition—this includes fast food and grocery store promos.
8. Play Russian Roulette with your workouts… Jump around between random boot camp classes and whatever else sounds good at the moment, and never stick to one program.
9. Do not keep track of your workouts. This should be easy if you’re following #8, but in case you’re not… never write anything down. That way every time you go to do your workout again, you’ll just have to guess about how hard it should be.
10. Surround yourself with negative or emotionally draining people. Try to help them shoulder the burden of just being them.
11. Surround yourself with faux-positive people who encourage you to do things like get “just one more drink” or skip the gym “just this once.”
12. Avoid drinking much water. Replace it with coffee or carbonated beverages.
13. Follow the rule that “if your friend can do it, you can too.” This applies to eating junk food, skipping workouts, drinking tequila shots, and just about everything else. Fairness is more important than effectiveness.
14. Never set any concrete goals. Things like “lose some weight” or “be more toned” should do the trick.
15. Unless of course you want to try this route: set outlandish goals that make no sense for you, such as “be so skinny my thighs don’t touch” or “work out every single day for an hour this month.”
16. Another option: Set a goal based entirely on the number on the scale. Who cares if your clothes fit better, you look great naked, or you feel energized and happy—what really matters is how many numbers you are.
17. Which reminds me… For heavens sake don’t set your own goals based on your own body or aesthetic—always assume that the media knows best about what you “should” look like. Stick to their rules, so you don’t have to get too personal with your own body issues or goals.
18. Practice self-defeating behaviors, like constantly reminding yourself that you’re not good enough, and that you don’t deserve to feel good.
19. Assign labels and limits to yourself, and never change them. Some good ones include “I have no balance,” “I hate exercise,” and “I’m sooo weak.”
20. Practice judge-y behaviors, like picking apart other women’s bodies and saying things like “skinny bitch” “that’s disgusting” and “I’d look like that too, if I threw up everything I ate.”
21. Constantly remind yourself– and everyone else– how busy you are… thus why you didn’t get your workout in, or have time to pack a lunch.
22. Consider anything that comes out of a vending machine fair game when you’re really hungry.
23. Drink your calories. Remember that 100 calories of orange juice is EXACTLY the same as 100 calories of egg whites and spinach. Plus as we all know, celebrities and models drink juice. Therefore so should you.
24. Remember that food isn’t there to fuel your body or make you feel great… it’s just a never-ending cycle of missed opportunities to lose weight.
25. Consider calories the be-all end-all of dieting. Since all calories are equal, and the goal is to eat as few of them as possible, go ahead and count them. Obsessively. There should be no physiological or psychological backlash to this plan.
26. Sit at a desk all day. Don’t get up and move much, and definitely never stretch.
27. Only read health/fitness information that is convenient and doesn’t challenge your current status in any way. Magazine articles telling you things like “lifting weights will make you bulky” are perfect.
28. If you don’t like an exercise the first time, just don’t do it. Bonus points for finding some shitty article on why it’s dangerous, and using that article to not only defend your choice, but to berate others who are doing this exercise.
29. Mentally check out while exercising. Actually, mentally check out as often as you can get away with. Mindless eating, mindless exercising, mindless work, and mindless downtime will ensure that you never have to get too involved in your life.
30. Always have an excuse ready for why you’re not doing any of the things you know you should do to feel better. “Tired” will cover most bases, but “headache,” “no willpower,” “stress,” and “busy” should pretty much round out anything you need to excuse. If you find yourself in a situation in which none of these things apply, be sure to blame someone else.